guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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