"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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