I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
