i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
