he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
