it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
