I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
