Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Success! We fucked roommates!
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