that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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