if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
