You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
