i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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