so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
