I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
