He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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