u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
