Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
