just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
