he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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