Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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