Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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