No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
