He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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