Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
