OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
where am i from again
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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