We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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