we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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