You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
