Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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