Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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