Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The air taste purple.
Randomize
