She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Found your dick twin last night
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
