dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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