I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
