you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
