Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
