I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
