super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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