Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
