i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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