I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She announced her abortion via fbk
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
