Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
