the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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