i wish there were pregnant emoticons
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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