I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
