they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
