Swine flu. Run for my life!
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
