She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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