I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
