The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
