Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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