halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
